Roses and Stone
by Josie Lange
Summary: Alistair grieves for his lost love Selwyn Cousland, who sacrificed herself atop Fort Drakon to save Ferelden. A Cheeky Monkeys challenge. Complete.


_A/N: This is another Cheeky Monkeys challenge, one that has us writing a story around the death of the Warden. This story was sitting in a rough form in my smart phone since December, 2010. I dusted it off the other day after the challenge came out. And Loghain isn't even mentioned in it! I know...who am I? :p  
><em>

_The inspiration for this one shot comes from the song "Gone Away" by The Offspring. The lyrics are just haunting. _

_This one-shot is written from Alistair's point of view.  
><em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Denerim, six months after the death of the archdemon<strong>_

"Stonemason Tarandus, this doesn't even look like her! Her nose wasn't that wide. And it wasn't aqualine! You'll have to adjust it."

"Apologies, Your Majesty. Humans tend to look the same to dwarves."

"We _look_ the same? Selwyn Cousland _didn't_ look like other humans! I want these statues in the garden and marketplace to look just like her, so that the people remember! Well, no matter; just please fix it."

"At once, King Alistair."

It doesn't even look like you. The drawings the artists did were pretty close. Still, it _has _to be right.

The roses around your gra...statue...are blooming. They're all red. I know you'll think this is bizarre, or even silly of me, but I went to Lothering to see if 'your' bush had survived. I had hoped against hope that it had, but the Blight even took that.

I lost everything to the Blight. I lost you.

* * *

><p>"<em>Um, Sel. I have something for you. Do you know what this is?"<em>

"_Your new weapon of choice?"_

"_Oh yes. Watch as I thrash our enemies with the might of floral arrangements. Feel my thorns, wretched darkspawn! I will overpower you with my rosy scent!"_

"_It could happen!"_

"_Or, it could just be a rose. Not as exciting as a weapon, I suppose."_

"_Sentiment can be a weapon."_

"_Am I that transparent? Anyway, I picked it in Lothering. I wondered how something so beautiful could exist in a place with such despair and ugliness."_

"_That's a very nice sentiment, Alistair."_

"_I probably should have let it be, but I couldn't. I couldn't let the darkspawn come and destroy it with their taint. So…I've had it with me ever since._ _I, uh, thought I might…give it to you, Sel. In a lot of ways, I think the same thing when I look at you."_

"_Thank you, Alistair. That's very sweet of you."_

"_I'm glad you like it, Sel."_

* * *

><p>I found the rose in your pocket when...after you...at Fort Drakon. I was going to keep it, but I couldn't. It was yours. I wanted you to have it. That you kept it close to your heart was both a reminder of your love and almost too much to bear. I made sure it was in your hand when I said goodbye. I watched the fire until the end; I owed you that much. I owe you everything.<p>

But you probably know this. Oh, Sel, what I wouldn't give to trade places with you. If it meant bringing you back for even a few minutes, I would.

* * *

><p>"<em>Al? Can I speak to you privately for a moment?"<em>

"_Well, we are in camp, Sel. It's as good a time as any, right?"_

"_Would you…like to join me? You know, in my tent?"_

"_Your tent?"_

"_You seem nervous. I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"_

"_Nervous! It's like…I mean…I know… Oh, Maker. It's not like I don't want to. I must sound like a bloody fool. You know I haven't done this before…with anyone. I was rather sheltered growing up, after all."_

"_Alistair, I don't want to pressure you…"_

"_Sel, I care for you so much. Whenever I think of this I feel like a complete idiot…all hands. I wish I was better at this. I just want it to be right."_

"_Alistair, it's all right. You just need to relax…"_

"_Oh fine, just giggle at me. I do need to relax, don't I? I'm willing to…give it a shot…if you are…"_

"_Of course I'm willing."_

"_Right then; I'm just going to…shut up…now…"_

* * *

><p>You were my first. I wanted you to be my last. You were supposed to be my Queen. It was the only reason I took this damned crown. 'Rule at my side', that's what you said you would do. The halls of the palace are so empty without you. My entire being is empty without you. Maker, why didn't I just...<p>

* * *

><p><em>"Alistair, no. I can't have you do that! Flemeth and Morrigan obviously have an ulterior motive."<em>

_"Sel, what if ..._

_"No, Al. I won't have you or Riordan touch her. It's far too dangerous. Who knows what would happen? The old god reincarnated is too great a risk."_

_"Then Riordan is our best hope. I can't bear the thought of losing you, Sel."_

_"With any luck, you won't. Riordan is near his Calling. He deserves to go to the Maker riding the carcass of the archdemon. What a way to go to the Maker's side!"_

_"Maybe Riordan can help the Maker mount the archdemon's head over a fireplace?"_

_"And when we meet them in the Fade, they can regale us with the tale."_

* * *

><p>You put on such a brave face, but something told you that it wasn't meant to be. Even then, you knew. You knew, but still tried to be brave. You wanted to protect me. I loved you even more then. If I could have taken your tears away, I would have.<p>

* * *

><p><em>"Sel? Are you all right? Why are you crying, love?"<em>

_"I can't watch Riordan die. Maker's breath, Alistair, I can't watch you die. You will have to stay behind while Riordan and I go into the city."_

_"What? Selwyn, no! Our chances are better with three Wardens hunting the bastard. I'm a Grey Warden too! My place is hunting the archdemon. My place is at your side...you can't... Now is not the time to be stubborn!"_

_"Alistair, I can't have you risk doing something foolish, like trying to save me. Your place is with your people, away from the fighting. You are to be King; you're too important to lose."_

_"And you're not?"_

"_If Riordan can't, I have to. Maker help me, I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this, Alistair…"_

* * *

><p>We cried such bitter tears. There was no way out now; a Grey Warden would deliver the fatal blow. One of us was going to die; you were so afraid it would be you. I was so afraid for you. I was angry at you too. How could you do this? How could you leave me alone, to go on without you? It was a cruel fate to face life without you. I would have followed you into the jaws of the archdemon itself.<p>

You made me so proud, taking on the darkspawn at the city gates. You were a beautiful battle maiden, so far removed from the girl I met at Ostagar. My heart swelled at how you fought for our people. My heart broke as I watched you move beyond the city gates. We knew. We knew...

* * *

><p>"<em>Sel, please, be careful in there."<em>

"_Alistair…you and I both know how this ends."_

"_You're right. Sel, I won't forget you, or what you've done. Ever. I'll make sure they don't forget you either, I swear it. Selwyn, I love you. I'll always love you."_

"_I love you, Alistair. Live."_

* * *

><p>That kiss, our last kiss, it's burned into my flesh. If I close my eyes and concentrate hard enough, it's like you're almost there. It's like I can still feel the flutter of your lips against mine. It's almost too much to bear.<p>

I saw the light at the top of Fort Drakon and knew. That part of the taint, and my heart, that was you fell silent. Not with a bang, but like a whisper, a vacuum of nothingness that threatened to consume me. I doubled over, my body in agony. I fell to my knees, screaming my grief. You went to a place where I couldn't follow you and the thought that you wouldn't come back to me was just too much to bear.

I don't remember much after that.

The coronation was just after the funeral. It was…empty. I was empty. I _am_ empty. You should have been here. Life is meaningless without you. It's like a nightmare that I can't wake from. I think I see you out of the corner of my eye, but you're never there. I think I hear you whisper for me in the dark, but I can never hear you. It's like there's someone in the bed with me, but when I reach for you, there's nothing there.

I look forward to my Calling now. If the Maker has any sympathy or kindness in His heart, he'll quicken my taint. I know you'll be there, waiting for me.

I can't wait to see you again, Sel.

_Fin_


End file.
